Fake War Stories

I had rolled up a mage who specialized in fire. Not just magic, but also performing with it, throwing it, spitting it, smashing vials of it…I spent a lot of gold getting gnomes to engineer oil/spark delivery systems to augment my fairly low level character with great aspirations. I had starry eyes thinking about that day when I would have fireball.

But mostly, I threw oil on things and was a vicious arsonist.

This lead to a lot of charred aftermath with singed party members looking at me angrily. I had a huge backstory that my parents died in a fire and I resolved that I would never let fire control my destiny!

I was chasing some bad guy through the city toward some shrine. It was pouring rain. I was standing on the top of this building when bad guy casts lightning or I get struck by lightning or something. I don’t remember.

I fall: more huge damage. I fail to get up then slip in the mud: take more damage and almost die as he gets away. I quaff a potion to almost full health and manage to catch up to him as he’s finishing some ritual to summon a water elemental.

I throw a fire bomb to keep it from leaving the building to get out in the rain. The party shows up and can’t enter because the threshold is a wall of flames. My character sees a gem in the middle and fumbles his intelligence roll. “I have a dagger that does fire damage, If I dive in, I can stab this thing to death!”

DM: “What’s your swim?”

Me: “2! I am prepared!”

DM: “No you aren’t. You’re encumbered. 50 feet of rope. A bandolier with oil vials. A backpack full of I can’t even remember what. You dive in and see the gem whirling around and around just out of reach. You have one round before you start to drown, what do you do? “

Me: “Try to stab the gem!”

DM: “You are carried more and more rapidly in circles. You are now dizzy, and drowning. Take damage.”

The party circles around to another entrance and starts to engage the elemental.

There’s a few rounds of various attacks.

The rogue takes out his crossbow, fails to see me inside and fires at the gem. 

DM: “One out of six chance he hits you as you swirl past… You are now, dizzy, drowning and have a crossbow bolt sticking out of your… shoulder.”

Me: “Swim for… the surface.”

The Paladin closes on the elemental and sees me inside and makes a valiant effort to pull me out but misses.

DM: “You reach the surface just as you become unconscious. Fifty percent chance you get dumped out. One in six that you get dumped onto your own oil fire. I’ll let YOU call it and roll it.”

Me: “Five. I’m in the fire. Oh god… I’m in the fire.”

DM: “You are unconscious in the fire. Anyone in the party know why this is an especially bad thing? No? Make a spot? No? Okay then…”

The party fights the elemental while I toast in my own fire. There’s a small series of explosions as all my special vials begin to heat up. One explosion sends my dagger flying and it sticks in the wall just as the elemental is defeated. 

The rogue grabs my dagger and says, “We should go to the inn and see if there’s another mage for hire.”

Paladin : “How about a bard?”

(Submitted by varionic. Sorry for the skipped day yesterday everyone! Real-world work called!)